I sit here in the waffling mix of emotions. Tomorrow bears the pain of a friend. Yesterday bore the weariness of my soul. Today is just a mix of all.
Life is too short.
And yet, I sit here. Midway, if not more, in my life and wondering if what I have done is good enough and if what remains will be full of more than I can ever imagine.
Midlife does this to you. It is a mind game of wonder. Introspection and regret becomes a dual edged sword. It cuts through to the soul to expose the real and the lie. The pain comes not from the cutting but from the discerning.
Who am I?
Some lies I have held so long their roots tangle deep. It is hard to distinguish their forgery. They have settled long and appear too real.
Yet, they are not – real.
Oh my God.
You whose artisan hands created me in the recesses of my mother’s womb – You who numbered my days and set my course – You who breathed life into my lungs – You who have carried me through my days, my years – forgive me.
Forgive me for settling for a less than existence in a more than life.
Forgive me my holding tightly to the whispers of “not good enough” than standing in the promise “in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.”
Forgive me for choosing to live a guarded life when You have destined me to live abandoned.
Cut the pretense and the self-protection away.
Expose the real.
This is who I have longed and yet, feared to be.
I am looking forward to getting to know you.